Random Ramblings ’18

Bob Here.

 

Normally, my written thoughts are a focused conglomeration supporting a central theme. But, for some reason, when the New Year rolls around, I feel the need to unload an accumulation of random ramblings, some having to do with the all-encompassing, far-reaching, and ever-present force in my life (that would be dialysis), and some just about existence in general.

• Speaking of existence in general, does anyone else get the feeling that the world has gone bat-crap crazy?

 

• I’m risking the label of being an old-fashioned sexist fool here, but with all the insanity that has gone on lately, one recent news item that put me over the edge was girls wanting to become boy scouts. Sorry folks, can’t seem to be able to wrap my head around that one.

 

• All that’s missing from our current political reporting is the Barnum & Bailey circus theme playing in the background.

 

• Ok, dialysis, right? After being on for going on 12 years now, I’ve come to a well thought out, cogent, and definitive conclusion: It Sucks.

 

• Although I do home dialysis, I had to go in-center recently because of a power outage. The very nice staff was handing out snacks during treatment. When they got to me and asked what I would like, I said, “Uh, not to launch.” “What?” asked the nurse. I said, “Well, eating while I’m on treatment makes me want to launch.” “Launch?” she said, crinkling up her nose. “Yeah,” I said. “Launch, you know. Like, hurl, barf, blow chunks?” She moved on to the next patient.

 

• Seen any good movies lately? That would make one of us.

 

• Living near the ocean is amazing in every way. But, it does make us more susceptible to intense windstorms.

 

• We had one recently that resulted in said power outage. It was about 1:30 a.m. and the wind was howling in off the ocean at almost 80 mph. After we lost power, I heard a loud clanging noise in the street. I looked out and saw a 6 foot piece of metal siding blowing up and down the street. I panicked thinking it was going to hit one of our cars.

 

• So, I went running out after it in my underwear. It was also raining like you read about. Turns out, my neighbors across the street happened to be out on their porch because their CO2 detectors had gone off. There I was running frenetically after a piece of metal, getting soaked to the skin and blown all over God’s creation by the wind. I just imagined my neighbors thinking, “Hmm, there’s something you don’t see every day.”

 

• It’s no fun watching football any more.

 

• I recently did a Google search on outdoor generators. (Yes, it was after the power outage.) Then, lo and behold, ads for generators started showing up in my facebook. Some would say that’s a marvel of modern technology. I say it’s outright creepy.

 

• So this kangaroo goes into a bar and orders a beer, right? The bartender brings it over and says, “That’ll be eight dollars.” Then the bartender sidles up and says, “You know, we don’t get many kangaroos in here.” The kangaroo says, “At eight dollars a beer, you won’t get many more either.”

 

• That one always cracks me up.

 

• How about a dialysis joke, you say? Well, dialysis isn’t real funny, but, ok, I’ll give it a shot.

 

• Q: Why did the dialysis patient throw his machine out the window?

A: To kill a bug in his driveway.

 

• You know you’ve achieved middle age when:

Your therapist starts calling you for advice.

Performance anxiety now refers to golf.

Twice in one night refers to bathroom visits.

Your underwear starts creeping up on you. And you enjoy it.

Unless you’ve been knighted, you want to smack anyone who calls you ‘Sir.’

You get senior discounts in stores without asking.

Your main form of aerobic exercise is heading to the fridge for a snack.

 

 

• Can you think of any others?

 

• When I started in-center hemodialysis many moons ago, one of my favorite pastimes was plotting revenge against the person who had just stuck me with these gigantic needles. You’d be amazed at how many sick plots you can come up with when you have lots of time on your hands.

 

• Have you ever had the discussion, “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” If you said, “Well, I stuck two 15-gauge, one-inch needles in my own arm, five times a week,” you might have won the prize.

 

• One of life’s little mysteries: How can we have a gazillion cable channels and nothing to watch?

 

• I read in one of my message boards recently that, “When you speak pirate, people stop arguing with you.” I thought, Hmm, that might be worth a try! So when I called to dispute an insurance bill recently, and was, predictably, getting nowhere, I said, “Aye there matey, you’d best do what I say, or I’ll keel haul yer arse. Aaaaaarrrrg.” There was a momentary silence, and then…she hung up. Well, I thought afterward, my friends were right. She DID stop arguing.

 

• From the “Wrong Answer” Dep’t: The wife did our house up in window candles for Christmas. A candle for every window. Now, having a beach house, you can imagine that we have a lot of windows. So, therefore, a LOT of candles. After finishing with the setup, she asked what I thought. “Well,” I said, “I’m starting to understand how a body feels in a mausoleum…” She shook her head and walked away, but I’m sure I’ll pay somewhere down the line.

 

• Five things you’ll never hear a dialysis patient say: “Hey, can I up my treatment time?”; “Those needles felt really good!”; “No thanks, I’m not thirsty.”; “Geez, I was peeing like a racehorse.”; “These chairs are really comfortable. I have to get one for my living room.”

 

• I may think too simplistically, but I honestly feel like we could heal a lot of the cultural and political divides in the country by just being courteous to each other.

 

• A: “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Q: “When’s the last time somebody enjoyed a political ad?”

 

• From the “Why, Why, Oh Why?” category: Teachers, police, firefighters, and the military are all vastly underpaid, yet the Kardashians made $65 million last year.

 

• I’m really proud of my two adult kids and my two grandkids. Just sayin’.

 

• You’ve heard about the three great lies, right? Well, I have another one. Any person in the medical profession saying, “Don’t worry, this won’t hurt a bit.”

 

• As I indicated earlier, I think it’s been a slow year for entertainment outside of the political circus, but I know not seeing my picks would leave a hole in your life, so here goes: My favorite movie of the last year was “American Made”, my favorite book was “The Force” by Don Winslow, and my favorite TV show was…

 

• I always get hung up on that one. Let’s see. I guess reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show” don’t count, huh? And I’m sure you’re not interested that the wife is addicted to “The Tennis Channel.” Oh, hey, I got it! I really like “Big Cat Week” on Nat Geo Wild! Although if watching an antelope getting eaten alive would upset you, you might want to take a pass.

 

• Any vampire in their right mind would be jealous of my dialysis machine.

 

• From the “Wrong Answer” Dep’t II: The wife was reading a magazine. She looks up and says, “Hey, did you know that married people live longer than single people?” I thought for a second, then I said, “Maybe it just seems longer.” Oh boy.

 

• I haven’t worn an embarrassing Halloween costume since I quit drinking.

 

• Whenever I hear someone speaking and every other word is “like,” I want to walk over and pop them one.

 

• My gym has a young crowd, which often makes me feel like Methuselah’s granddaddy. But I figured my cohort of workout fiends would age along with me and everything would remain relative. WRONG. There’s an almost constant influx of new, and even younger, people, making me feel like I should be sitting on a park bench somewhere with a blanket over my legs.

 

• Something to ponder: Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

 

• The wife is pretty good about going to social occasions without me. You know. Me being the way I am and all. (Antisocial.) But every once in a while, I somehow get included on the guest list.

 

• I’ve devised a couple of strategies to address this issue. Let me know what you think: First, next time I’m required to attend, I could spontaneously break out into the funky chicken in someone’s living room. Or, I could whip out a black wig and do my best Elvis impersonation in the middle of the party. Which do you think would be more effective in ensuring a ticket to stay home?

 

• Speaking of staying home, did you hear that the next generation of home dialyzers will actually talk? I hope that’s true, because I have a few choice words I’d like to share.

 

• You may have heard that scientists have created piglets that could possibly provide organs for human transplants. That could have some humorous implications for the recipient’s lifestyle and overall behavior. Ah, but that is for its own blog another day, I’m afraid!

 

• OK, I’m done rambling. (For now.) Thanks for reading. Happy New Year, and take care.